DISSONANCE.
Returning home, amid the holiday cheer,
I sit, but still, I’m far from here.
A conversation swirls around,
but I’m 20 meters down, lost and drowned.
I hear the words, but I see their game,
the way they speak, and what they claim.
The tone they twist, the lies they spin,
to make their world seem bright within.
it’s all muffled, distant, faint,
for now i've learned-felt what’s real, what ain’t.
I’ve learned the truth of living a life that is pure,
And this (here) is not my future of what I want to endure.
WAR: HEART-Vs.-MIND
A battle rages, between my heart and mind.
The age-old clash, my soul lives intertwined.
Is it true that more pain holds more worth?
How do you balance logic and intense emotional turf?
Love/care defy all reason's glow,
making good choices, needs the act of letting go.
How do you wipe the smear, the stain,
to make peace for us both and ease the pain?
To accept needs, to empathize,
that’s the love I give, though I die inside.
though I’m torn and bruised within,
I offer what I can, again and again.
Love, passion it makes no sense,
A mystery that’s so intense.
With time, I unwrap gifts of moments ive treasured,
it’s not the things I love, but devouring seconds decadently measured—
A universe that can’t be named,
no reason for it, yet it repeatedly curates all the same.
Why are some meant to stay, some go,
to live within us but never physically show?
I close my eyes and there you are,
A movie of us, a star, though, i'll never see again.
I can’t escape, I can’t forget,
the life we had, the life we felt.
But love needs action, trust needs proof,
Sorry requires change, to heal the truth.
Ive learned, though, love and care can’t show,
unless you know how they can accept your glow.
You have to learn them and act accordingly,
or else care comes off as disrespect, unfortunately.
We are kindred spirits, us two.
Yet eons since I’ve seen you,
I travel back to yesterdays,
for how could I forget your voice, I say?
YOU disrespected me. Unless you gain self awareness-for the both of us-,
far away from me you’ll stay
ME.
I like the touch of the breeze,
the sounds of the leaves flowing in the trees,
the crinkle in my nose before i start to sneeze,
a freshly washed white tee,
drinking caffeine till coffee becomes my pee,
playing the NYT mini,
boombox blaring a love song plea,
good gossip and tea,
(When it doesn’t include yours truly)
meeting people that show me a new happy,
freezing in a sugar rush of a coca cola slurpee,
riding waves while sailing through the seas,
appetizers, specifically wine and cheese,
summer cart wheels, bends in my knees,
emotions that flutter like the birds and bees,
hearts on lock and I have the keys,
thoughts and doubts in my head appeased,
freed of my minds disease,
feeling and being all the best that I see,
becoming the greatest version of me.
CURIOSITY or DELUSION.
Acceptance is key,
but I can feel my curiosity is getting to me.
I can’t stop these fake scenarios fighting,
like shadows popping up from the lightning striking.
Darkness meeting my eyes,
whispers creep to my ears with sweet lies,
straying away from the reality,
exchanging it for the sweetness of what I wanted it to be.
The truth is unavoidable,
but there’s relief in being delusional.
I loved how we were in my mind,
outside you were so unkind.
The black and blue skin around my eyes,
turn to kissing in the purples hues of the star filled skies.
With flashes of light,
glimpses of you become bright,
is it unhealthy that I chose this?
the dream, to reminisce?
Let this curiously be unanswered,
help me let go of the reality I know,
hide me in the void,
while physically destroyed.
On a loop my mind plays,
The greatest love story that never took place.
NOT GOODBYE, GOODBYE.
"No one ever says goodbye,
unless they want to see you again."
Captain hopeless romantic here to tell you she believes this is true.
Shocker! And yes this is sort of about you. ;)
---------------------------
It’s not about the actual words goodbye,
it’s the effort put in to see someone one last time.
In hopes it’s not the last,
paint you in my future not watch reruns of the past.
Its a GREAT fear, to never see some people again.
Even the least acquainted friend.
I hold on tight,
squeeze them with all my might,
bomb them with love,
put their needs way above.... too above.
Then you come across those,
that need your goodbye, exchanging old clothes,
this is the greatest love to show,
and the most painful love to know.
So, even if goodbye is actually goodbye,
it's not the bye that is until the day that I die.
It's the I let you go, and free you of me right now,
in hopes you fit in my life in the future somehow.
My goodbyes are hopefull romantic chants,
I let you go, and yes I depart, I wave my hands,
but even if we never do,
I will always hope to cross paths with you.
So, this proves,
goodbyes do not exist when it comes to you.
MY WIND.
The wind knows no bounds, it roams untamed,
A force so wild, its spirit unclaimed.
It roars like thunder, causing despair,
its the breath of life and chaos in the open air.
It dances through my hair with grace,
invisible, it leaves no trace.
Master of tides, its own domain,
it stirs the sea and drives the rain.
In whispers soft or storms profound,
its beauty’s matched by power unbound.
The wind knows no bounds, it roams so free,
wielding force to shape my eternity.
She is the wind,
her power is unbeknownst to her thick skin,
seems to only apply to my life,
her sweetness and recklessness cause my strife.
I yearn for this mess,
as life without movement seems pointless.
I embrace everyday,
all the love...I mean wind to come my way.
FORMER SAFE HAVEN.
I feel like I have no one to talk to,
when I want to ___.
Because I’ve somehow become a safe haven,
to help people get by.
I don’t want to add my reasonings and rationalization,
so I lie.
My heart is so open I helped people blossom,
always could, a subconscious wisdom.
Now I keep these secrets,
masking my true mood.
Are we all hiding,
are we all faking,
What do we all do?
I am hiding from you.
And your'e hiding from who?
Probably me too.
Chasing the bluest blue of clues.
To understand the worst parts of me and you.
This can’t last forever,
we’ll find the answers.
Wishful for the day,
we all stop feeling this way
back to child-like play
a joyous portray
enhacing life everyday :)
GIFT OF FORGETTING.
I need the courage to be okay unwanted,
unlearn memories that make me feel like my mind is haunted.
Reread our letters to prove you cared about me,
even went back home to find my sanity...
Typed out more messages, never hit send,
driven by my heart not my head.
Feelin’ like pieces of my heart get torn,
every time it’s worn, every time it was yours.
A Muscle that’s too sore,
bird with wings but can’t soar.
Starting to FORGET you is the greatest gift,
pain was the love I couldn’t express.
And I don’t want to love you anymore,
So, I’m happy to fade the past, close our door.
I am enough,
Happy goodbye my love.
SYMPTOMATIC NOMAD.
Hard to relate to,
I have an innate clue,
hinting it’s time,
to see something new.
Everyone is holding me down,
need to get out of town.
All I can say is the universe is unfair,
like girls Wanting straight instead of curly hair.
like when they pursue you, and then leave first,
a road i don’t want to traverse.
The twist of fate with a slight chance,
to always fear happening.
Reality turned to imagining,
stability fled, world abandoned her.
One option left is to start over,
another beginning to waste getting through,
letting go of learning All of the best of you.
Left in the same place,
with a different face.
I now have to go,
find a new glow,
away from this light we've outshown,
if i don't leave, I'll never find the right home.
GRAND LIFE.
“To protect yourself, sometimes you have to decide against how you feel.”
OR
Just run away with the feeling,
find a home with a limitless ceiling.
Be a free prisoner,
trapped in a sunny summer,
eat a large feast to feel weightless,
find a nothing that’s priceless.
My soul a fearless sailor, off a crashing sea,
craving a life to grow as big as a tsunami.
Carefully living dangerously,
choosing to free-fall,
dancing the love waltz.
Don’t protect yourself from living,
for a grand life one needs to be willing.
Jumping to be caught,
In the arms of a big heart,
Aqui estoy!
Riddle me with joy,
give me the disease of laughter,
and make this a never-ending chapter.
CAUGHT IN A FREE-FALL.
I love so fully.
Without consideration, not being realistic,
not a second look at the circumstances,
and I think that is beautifully tragic.
I don't believe you can control your fate,
What if you miss out on dreams you never thought of,
Or maybe it's that I don't trust what I know, how to navigate.
I do know that I want to share living with a grand curiosity,
nourishing growth, more experiences more knowledge
both contributing to a broad-minded and unique philosophy.
I crave this affinity. To know things, to live and love life,
forever growing and searching,
I will endure the pain of this trial and error, and all its strife.
This is the path I need to take and fall into,
until I stop hitting the floor,
my heart, meanwhile, to remain black and blue.
Until I find someone who makes me feel,
caught in a free fall,
then I can trust, it'll be real.
This love has a lack of control,
endless, all-consuming,
this is who I am, rooted in my soul.
And I admire this in myself, its true.
I want to make you feel warm,
I want to make you feel known,
And I want that in return, too.
Forever not alone.
K-EMPATH.
I feel,
trust me, too much, it's unreal.
I'm even empathetic towards my therapist,
don't trust anyone can actually handle this.
Left behind time after time,
something is very wrong with my mind.
Dreaming of ketamine lines,
the bad times redeisgned,
need to stay delusional this time.
Reality is far too unkind.
ANOTHER WAY.
Since you can't seem to find the heart,
I can change for us,
I will love you in a different way, a new part.
I want you to stay.
Forever in my everyday.
Even if I have to throw my love away.
Only if you're sure there's no future for us, then it's okay.
I want to see you at my birthday next 11th of May.
Without you the sky remains grey.
So, yeah I chose to see you in another way.
LUST.
You love it when im not there,
a ghost.
Triggering Rejection confuses for lust,
lust for love,
love for touch.
It's a craving, this high is never too much.
You love when I reject you,
you love rejecting me.
Perfumed by your lust, now I love you,
but your'e not in love with me.
FLAWED?
My writing focused on loss and despair,
my mind all-consumed, obsessed,
too emotionally aware.
Its my perverse form of gratitude, that I embrace
for moments I once had, now lost in time and space.
People that could make me sad,
loves that were grand,
flying high, never to land,
experiences you could never think to plan,
my many passions, I wanted you to know and understand.
The balance between living for now and after,
I don't know if I can ever master.
Building a life is too focused on what I crave,
dwelling too much on what I couldn't save.
If every past moment is painful and irreplicable,
How will I continue making more, while carrying before,
it's unsustainable.
A painful glimpse of how the wants I once had slipped away.
How can tomorrow be better, if it's gone today?
I can't bear the planning, waiting, the strain,
I always get hurt.
Even by those who bring no pain.
I'd rather vehemently be happy right now,
than just hope tomorrow has a brighter glow.
This I know is my greatest flaw of all,
obssess in my lows today and let my future fall.
WADING, WAITING.
This ocean's a desert, barren and cold,
But you arrived, and the horizon turned bold.
The sky now aglow, a wonder unfolds,
Stillness awakened, with a life of its own,
We've found a new purpose, and our hearts have grown.
I feel each ripple, each subtle sway,
Your presence makes my heart want to stay.
It's hard to watch time's fleeting advance,
You'll see the end while i'm lost in a trance.
I sensed the drift as time slipped away,
Should've braced for the end of our day.
My hope in the tide, once strong and bright,
Faded as moments slipped from sight.
Bound by a thread that couldn't withstand,
The fleeting moments we had planned.
Reaching for you when you drifted afar,
Without that thread, we're lost like a distant star.
What if you glimpse a new light in your sky,
And cut the thread to chase a new high?
We've swum too far, lost from what we both knew,
She'll find her way to shore more quickly than I do,
A clear sky, and you're gone from my sight,
I wait for the clouds, to imagine you back drawn in light.
The day turns to dreams, to cope with your leave,
With a glance at the wave, my heart starts to grieve.
From dusk till dawn, I'll dream of our song,
Till I find the strength to keep wading along.
WHO'S TURN IS IT?
"If they wanted to they would."
A tale that needs to be understood?
How can you tell when it's YOU who should?
I take the chance on every fight,
My heart like a knight.
Pierced by love, never-ending bleeding.
Put an end to this everlasting seeking.
Amidst living in so much strife,
The quest begs... Is it worth the fight?
Leave it be and let it go?
What if? WHAT IF?
Give in first, let it all show.
Is it me or you now, whose turn is it to go?
The endless quest,
To find this big heart at peace, at rest.
PURGATORY OF A LOST SOUL.
I am weakened, I am vulnerable
My darkest parts are now audible.
I used to not understand,
why people weren't happy on land.
I heard death's gossip all around me.
I didn't get it, that thought never crossed me.
Today I do.
Haunted by giving in,
saying goodbye to the lovely blue.
I've joined the lost souls in their suffering.
The blind trust in "it'll pass"
needs to mean something.
STUCK, FULL OF EMPTY.
I feel like I'm just surviving every day,
hoping it ends, so it feels like I start living life again.
When you miss home, where do you go?
Is there any place I won't feel alone?
I want to shift from this world,
I want to matter to me.
Stuck, lost, waiting to see,
When this will be.
My future has liability.
It really feels like too much.
Weighing me down, it's all so corrupt.
Will the hurt end, am I capable of escaping this trend?
I never want to mirror this again.
Full of emptiness,
I feel the absence so deeply,
My heart is POURING out its PLEADING.
For something so unsure,
What is life's meaning??
Hard to decipher my needing.
It's rain and thunder alike.
Trying not to worry tonight.
I'll take the next flight,
When this storm ends,
This version I'll never want to see again.